A Wankers Guide to Doing Nothing

Summer has always been a typical one for me. A time to sit around and do fuck all for a long period of time, with brief intervals of shifts at work, nights out and festivals. However for the past 2 weeks I have had no offers for work and as a result have been resorted to lying flat on my back watching Sky sports news on what seems like a loop, as they report how nothing is happening in this summers transfer market. Now usually I have a great distaste for this, I get bored very easily and I can at times find myself wondering around the house, aimlessly, talking to myself or making poor attempts at the washing up or even just staring at a facebook page. In extreme cases it can lead to almost unrecoverable bout of demotivation and alcoholism, which are both demoralising and expensive. But these last weeks I think I have mastered the art of doing nothing and being practically unemployed, and here’s my guide….


First of all it’s very hard to justify having time off when you have no practical hobbies, especially in my case when my only valid activity is probably wanking. So to counteract this I have got myself into a routine which involves watching several episodes of a popular American TV series mixed in with a few hours of Xbox. For all of last week I nailed Boardwalk Empire- a nicely layered, prohibition period, drama starring Steve Buscemi in the lead role, and playing snippets of L.A Noire, which was then replaced this week by continuing on with the Wire and clocking up my world ranking on Fifa. I have found that the rotation of xbox and TV throughout the day keeps the mind refreshed and reduces boredom of either medium as well as giving you a sense of achievement by the end of the day, that have you have completed several goals, and as a result are more enlightened.


Now when your at home on your own for almost 10 hours a day, things can get a little lonely, you start to crave human interaction and when this gets mixed with boredom and one of man’s favourite pass times (watching porn) this can lead to the dreaded sexual frustration! Now being a life long single man that I am and have been, relying only on brief fly by night ‘no-strings’ relationships and drunken one off’s with strange, usually equally bored birds. I’ve never really had that luxury of having that person on speed dial who I can go and waste a day in bed with. Recently however I think I have overcome this, and the answer is in 2 things that are actually better then the company of women anyway-Music and books. Another routine, usually in the evenings, I will sit down with my book whilst either listening to the radio or a few of the artists on the lineup of the ATP gig that I’m going to this weekend. The mixture of in-depth book and new sounds can completely take your mind of that nagging feeling coming from your cock, like it is whinging about not being entertained by some new brass’ mouth. This again leads to a great sense of achievement and enlightenment, and can lead to facebook updates about new bands that you like and long threaded discussions on the book you’ve just clocked.


Some other practical and helpful ways of keeping your mind from turning on you are tasks as simple as cleaning the house or cooking a meal, even tasks as simple as the washing up or cooking a meal can keep the people that you are living with in the peace of mind that you are doing something constructive with your day. Also visiting other unemployed friends can also be a lovely pass time as it is comforting to be in the company of people in the same boat as you, also helping these other unemployed friends with task’s round their house. The other day I visited a couple of friends in Brixton, and even helped Josh paint his bedroom, which left me with the thought that this is how you do unemployed properly. Also if you haven’t already, sign on to every benefit you possibly can. Even if your quite sure they probably wont give it you, just try it’s free money at the end of the day. Also all the information you have to end up digging out to give to them is a good time killer in itself, and lying to your jobs advisor every couple of weeks gives you food for fantasy’s like being a world famous con man.



So that’s how I’ve been keeping myself occupied for the past fortnight or so, and I must say it’s actually been quite nice. The getting out of bed at 2 in the afternoon and not going back till 4 o’clock the next morning is one of them nostalgic routines that remind me of school holidays, and I’m finally getting round to doing stuff that I said I would do. Although I could go and have a full 5 day a week job at the restaurant that Jem works at…. This would be the sensible thing to do. But for now I am happy lying here doing fuck all thank you.