Hi. May I apologies firstly for my slack attempt at updating my blog. The reasons behind my recent laziness will be explained in the following through paragraphs, and I must warn you this is probably going to be a depressing one.
Shockingly the last time I wrote here I was still living in Morden, living up the summer and probably being slightly nervous about the next few months of my life, probably because I was moving out and starting university. Well here I am around 5 months in and I have found myself to be suffering from total de-motivation. Now I know that some of you will think that its just a fancy word for being lazy, but I’m a grand master in being lazy and I can tell you this is a whole lot more soul destroying. I find it’s probably the same difference between having the blues and being completely depressed. The worse case of this de-motivation came at around Christmas time, when I had 6 weeks off uni and all my housemates went home for the holidays. I completely isolated myself in the house, had no money to do anything, and wouldn’t move from my chair for about 14 hours until I would go to sleep. Now even a lazy person would use this time constructively, they would listen to new music, sit there and watch a shit load of films they hadn’t seen before or watch the whole series of The Soprano’s or something. I however sat there in my arm chair, blocking out the whole concept of Christmas, played a few games of Football Manager every day and had a routine of day time television, I would also drink myself stupid every day without fail so I could kill the boredom. The most horrible part of all this was that I knew I was doing nothing and I was unbelievably unhappy about it. Being so lethargic as to not even be bothered to listen to music was probably the lowest point of it all, but I battled through and made it into the New Year alive and well although slightly apprehensive about how things were going. I learnt a valuable thing about myself last Christmas. I’m not designed to be alone because my mind and me really don’t get on when we’re together; this is where I think the copious amounts of booze were helping.
Another issues I’ve had to face with my recent identity crisis are my sudden dip in confidence and self esteem. A year ago I’d walk into social situations with the excitement of meeting new people and making new friends, however a few weeks ago I couldn’t even ask a station supervisor when the next train to Victoria was, which unfortunately is just a small fact in a long list of recent quivering messes I’ve found myself in just lately, and what bothers me even more is that even though I’m aware all of this is going on I just lie in bed thinking about it and getting myself angry, which has also lead to another problem your faithful narrator has been having, which is confrontation. The past few months I have screamed at traffic wardens, spat in the direction of doormen, wrote unnecessarily aggressive letters to councils and nightclubs and just generally been a right arse to anyone who hasn’t shared my opinion on something. This entirely new concept of being angry hasn’t faired to well to my current situation because I’m not really used to making a fuss about anything, I’m also worried it could get me into a bit of trouble if I cant vent it better then I’m already trying to do.
This leads me on to another problem I’ve been having, which is my loss of passion for things I once loved loads. Music, like I mentioned before now has very little impact on me. Tracks I usually love now have no effect and whole idea of listening to anything new just seems like a choir. Film. Although until as recent as last (although with the help of my old friend Mary Jane) I had no interest in watching any films, I couldn’t bring myself to have the attention span to concentrate on anything at all, although this is facing a kind of revival recently and I’m seeing it as a silver lining to a massive black cloud. Then there’s my most favorite hobby… Getting wasted. Now the main answer I give when asked why I like to inebriate myself is simply that I feel that I’m quite good at it. I stay out of trouble, I can control myself quite well, I can handle a lot, rarely noticeable freak out, and can take care of myself pretty well, as well as enjoy myself immensely and be really social at the same time. But like everything else that I’m moaning about, this has become somewhat of a choir recently. Most noticeably for me was a recent adventure to Brighton. I was of course going for The Regime like I always do but had told my old friends B & G that I would meet them at the club. When I met them I was struggling to string a sentence together let alone make good conversation with my old mates, I stood almost lost in the corner of the club not talking to anyone and generally losing control of myself, this was when I realized that there had been previous stupid moments like this one. The squat party when I lost my wallet and keys, getting on wrong busses and trains home, getting myself lost in Enfield, and the bizarre anxiety attack I also had after one night. I’m hoping this passes as I miss the pleasures of letting off steam through the method of poisoning myself.
Now I’ve tried to think of a way of how to resolve this predicament I’ve found myself in. What can I put it down to? I blame the following…
The horrible weather – I’ve always hated winter ever since I was young. Short sunlight hours, grotty wet London settings, dead tree’s and plants, no wildlife, and freezing my bollocks off is a form of torture really.
The decline of Bangface – I loved Bangface because it meant that every second Friday of the month without fail I could go to a place were my favorite artists would be playing and the best people I know from all over the country would all gather to get messy and have an absolute right laugh in a grotty club called the Electrowerkz. Now I have to wait almost 2 and half months for one in a venue I’m not keen on, and an atmosphere that deters me a bit.
The realization that change is shit and more things are changing and getting shitter – I cant get a job because there isn’t any, everything is ridiculously expensive, popular music shows absolutely no sign of improving, Football is continuing its horrible downfall as a middle class and businessman’s sport, even my favorite band has split up. I can not note one single piece of change in my life that has effected me for the better in anyway what so ever… O and the fact that for the rest of my life; me, my friends and my family will all be addicted to money.
Now if your still reading your probably wondering what my solution is going to be or this? I haven’t quite decided yet to be honest with you. I’m actually waiting for the weather to get better so that I think straight again. I’m also trying to stay positive in a way and trying to imagine myself with real problems. I have probably angered some of you reading this with my petty excuse for problems. There has just been a major natural disaster in an undeveloped country and I’m moaning about how I’m too lazy to get off my arse and actually do something with myself.
Thanks for reading, and I hope that next time you come to read my ramblings it will be on a more positive note, but for those of you who actually enjoy reading this thing (And there must be a few because I don’t think I can get over 300 profile views for 6 posts accidently.) These are the reasons why I haven’t posted lately.
Nice one, take it easy
